I know this has made the rounds several times over by now, but I want this to be out once and for all: I wrote it. At work, no less, after another morning drive spent hearing about how Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, et al., were going to bring a championship to the north side. To hell with them, I thought, and a hilarious forwarded e-mail was born. Below is the entire original text, unedited and in the same form as what I sent to eight of my friends...because I, like many Sox fans in February, was pissed-off and bored.
Some things are funny year-round...pitchers and catchers report next month!
2006 Chicago Cubs Promotional Schedule
April 7: Home Opener and raising of the "Attendance Flag" to commemorate the magical 2005 season in which the Cubs were a bigger draw than any of their hated rivals. Not being raised: World Series Champions flag.
April 8: Presentation of the "Nice Neighborhood" rings to members of the 2005 squad in commemoration of their capturing of the city's heart by playing in such a cute little part of town. Not being presented: World Series Champions rings.
April 9: Home Opener Weekend festivities conclude with the Cardinals completing a sweep of the Cubs at Wrigley.
April 24: Win a Mark Prior autographed picture! 100 lucky fans will receive a 5 x 7" photo signed by the Cubs' 11-game winner!
April 25: Turn Back the Clock I with throwback jerseys, old-timey music and special guests and relive the magic of the Cubs' epic loss to the Florida Marlins in the 2003 NLCS.
May 13: Turn Back the Clock II with authentic 1984 uniforms jerseys and an even-more-authentic loss to the 1984 NLCS champion San Diego Padres.
May 14: Precious Moments figurine doll to the first 10,000 female fans*.
June 15: Kerry Wood bobblehead day. The first 10,000 fans will receive a bobblehead doll of the Northsiders' all-time leader in simulated strikeouts!
June 16: Turn Back the Clock III - Kick off a rematch of the Cubs' most recent World Series appearance as they welcome the Detroit Tigers and try to beat them for the first time since 1945.
June 30: Crosstown Amnesty Day - All managers and first 25 players on the White Sox active roster will receive a complimentary win.
July 1: Turn Back the Clock IV - 1906 World Series rematch. Authentic memorabilia will be given out to lucky Cub fans, as will an authentic 1906-style massacre of their lovable losers.
July 2: Lovable Loser Day - First 15,000 losers get to fall in love with the Cubs even more as they are handed yet another staggering loss at home by yet another area team that has built something more substantial than their own ticket-scalping empire**.
July 14: Harry Caray Day, featuring an all-star tribute to the late and beloved former White Sox and Cardinals announcer.
August 1: Nine Games Back Day - First 10,000 fans in attendance to correctly explain what "Nine Games Back" means receive a Cubs t-shirt***.
August 19: Playoff Day. Come out and root for the Cubs as they stand on the brink of elimination against the Cardinals with forty-one games still left to play in the season. First 20,000 fans wearing Cubs gear receive a White Sox t-shirt.
September 2: Turn Back the Clock V - Cubs fans, come out and party like it's 1989 in this showdown against the 1989 NLCS champion San Francisco Giants!
October 1: Final Home Game / Wait 'Til Next Year Day - First 39,538 fans are idiots.
(*) This one's real, believe it or not. Precious Moments? Come on.
(**) Wrigley Field Premium Ticketing Services, 3717 N. Clark St.
(***) Contest runs through the end of the 2006 season. Okay, 2007 season.