The World Series starts tonight, pitting the team that took the worst division in the worst league by winning only four more games than they lost against the team anchored by a catcher who never took Jose Canseco's steroid allegations to court and a pitcher who took out a cameraman last year in Texas. Sweet.
There will be much talk out there of how this is redemption for the city of Detroit (which it is) and of how the Cardinals have been here before (which they have).
For the rest of us, it's another year and another person's favorite team going all the way. And really, who needs that? In the spirit of resentment and spitefulness, here's ten good reasons not to tune in:
10. Albert Pujols. I know the guy is good. Great even. Once-in-a-lifetime kind of talent. I know the guy is probably in line to receive another MVP award, certainly a Silver Slugger, and maybe even a Gold Glove on top of that. Does this man really need a World Series ring to boot? Does anyone deserve that much accomplishment in a season? In a lifetime? Not on my watch.
9. David Eckstein. Anyone who can best be described as "the pluckiest lil' shortstop in the National League" does not belong on top of the world. Ever.
8. Magglio Ordonez. Traitor. Way to hit .182 for the Sox in the 2000 ALDS, get an injury so mysterious that you had to leave the continent to get surgery, then run off to Detroit not only to make more money but to also become a frickin' playoff legend.
7. The Leyland Mystique. I don't buy this line that the Tigers' success is all due to Jim Leyland yelling at his team when they hit that skid in mid-May. "He's got fire." To hell with that! Say he knows how to call for a squeeze. Say he knows when to take his pitchers out. Saying "he wants to win" is the lamest thing since...I don't even know what. Of course he wants to win. Everyone wants to win! That's the whole point of playing the game!
6. Tony LaRussa. TLR, you couldn't do it for the Sox and you barely did it for the A's. Don't you dare carry a National League team all the way, you hear me? Double-switches are not "strategy" and I don't need anyone propagating that myth any further. The Speez pinch-hitting for Josh Hancock...wow. Right up there with forcing the Germans into fighting a two-front war, let me tell you.
5. Last Year's Ratings. The 2005 Astros-White Sox World Series was the lowest-rated World Series in the history of televised World Series games. Let's tune out and do our part to get the Good Guys out of the gutter, okay?
4. Cardinal Fans. They're good people and all, very informed, very knowledgeable and friendly fans, and I count some of them as my best friends...but they're also really weird to the casual observer. Seriously.
3. Ronnie Belliard. I'm not sure why I don't like this guy. Maybe it was all those times with Cleveland where he embarrassed the Sox. Maybe it's that stupid half-do-rag. Or maybe it's the fact that he makes millions a year playing baseball and I, like so many others, am so so envious of that.
2. Fox Sports. You know what? I'm going to let someone else take this one.
1. Last Year. Enough said. God damn is it hard thinking about what might have been. Should have been.